Failure to maintain a balanced inverse bond may result in the failure of the relationship. It should be noted that family systems theory influenced the conceptualization of the continuum of self theory. Corresponding zero values do not signify an absence of self-orientation. Instead, they represent an exact balance of love, respect and care being given and received. Although having a zero value would be ideal, in reality, the vast majority of people fall somewhere on one side or the other of the continuum of self.
The lower inversely matched couples are able to ebb and flow because of the reciprocal and mutual nature of their well-matched self-orientations continuum of self values.
They are able to ask for what they need — and even disagree with each other — without experiencing resentment or conflict. However, higher inversely matched couples create a dysfunctional relationship. With polar opposite higher continuum of self values, the two are unlikely to reconcile their vast differences in self-orientation. In particular, the person who is a pathological narcissist is an unlikely candidate for any substantive personality change.
It is even possible, albeit not usual, for a person to move from one side of the continuum to the other. In the case of a switch in self-orientation from SSO to OSO, for example , the person usually begins with a lower positive or negative continuum of self value.
In addition, this person has likely participated in some form of long-term or regular mental health service. With motivation, emotional fortitude and good counseling, most OSOs and SSOs are capable of learning to practice a mutually satisfying level of give-and-take in the areas of love, respect and care.
Relationship stability is achieved when the negative and positive continuum of self values of each partner equal a zero sum. In other words, zero-sum relationships occur when two partners have an exactly opposite self-orientation. Note that the zero-sum relationship describes the quantitative state of a relationship, not the qualitative state.
It is just balanced. Sandy -2 is a mother and wife who enjoys her role as a busy stay-at-home mom. She stays busy caring for her family and serving in several volunteer positions.
With the support of Sandy, Dan works long hours to build his status and reputation in the family business. Although Dan likes the attention that being in the public eye brings him, he still makes himself available for the personal and emotional needs of others, especially when it comes to his family.
If Dan needs help, Sandy steps up in any way she can to help him. Ken harbors deep resentment toward Allison because he has to work multiple jobs to make ends meet for the family. Although Ken is highly bonded to his children, his work schedule keeps him away from many of the quality moments with them. When they got married, Allison unilaterally decided to quit her successful accounting career because she wanted to be a stay-at-home mother.
Lower values pairings illustrate healthier relationships that are characterized by higher levels of mutuality in the exchange of love, respect and care. Higher continuum of self values pairings demonstrate less healthy relationships that are characterized by a lopsided exchange of love, respect and care, with more going to the SSO and less to the OSO.
Couples who fit into a specific category can move forward or backward on the continuum of self as they either evolve or devolve relationally.
According to the continuum of self theory, individuals who are codependent have a severe OSO, which is numerically represented by a continuum of self value of When in romantic relationships, they focus almost completely on the needs of a pathologically narcissistic partner, while ignoring, diminishing or neglecting their own similar needs.
Although unhappy and resentful, they remain in this relationship. Therefore, they have no investment or interest in changing the relationship. Because the OSO partner is neither adept at nor comfortable with communicating anger, displeasure or resentment, he or she is likely to suppress these feelings.
Trust also means you feel secure in their love and support. Partners who can handle conflict in a respectful, open manner generally have a better chance of making the relationship work in spite of any differences. Intimacy which applies to more than sex is an important component of romantic relationships. Emotional intimacy might involve sharing vulnerabilities, dreams, and disappointments. Physical intimacy often refers to sex, but it can also mean hugging, kissing , and casual touching.
Similarly, a partner who easily shares their feelings might struggle when you consistently avoid emotional discussions. You can truly love someone and want to share your life with them but still be forestalled by incompatible goals. When your current partner realizes they do, in fact, want children, you might choose to end the relationship so they can achieve that goal with a like-minded partner. And someone who wants to sell all their belongings and travel the world?
Probably not compatible with someone who wants to buy a house and settle down. Science has yet to fully decipher the complexities of attraction. At the end of the day, you like who you like, often without really knowing why.
Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health.
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Get the Insider App. Click here to learn more. A leading-edge research firm focused on digital transformation. Johnson , The Conversation. The idea that "opposites attract" in relationships is a myth. In reality, people tend to be attracted to those who are similar to themselves, as dozens of studies have shown. This could be because personality contrasts tend to stand out and become bigger over time.
Sign up for notifications from Insider! Stay up to date with what you want to know. The results support that sharing intimate thoughts and feelings and feeling appreciated by a partner are just as important for relationship success as maintaining autonomy by having separate interests and being able to make decisions without worrying about the partner being upset.
In other words, having separate interests is a good thing, as long as both people in the relationship feel appreciated by each other and communicate well.
Then people should find out what the partners need," says psychologist Christine Finn, PhD , the study's author and lead researcher. Then, decide if changes can be made. And again, there's no reason an intimate bond can't exist, even if a couple is into totally different things. I don't need my husband to be into it, too, but I do need him to be open to sharing experiences with me," says Wright.
So, do opposites attract and can this attraction lead to long-term relationship success? Totally—as long as each person's relationship needs are the overlapping middle ground, and you actually enjoy spending time together. If your mate happens to have the same exact books on their nightstand as you do, cool.
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